Back in December I woke up one night and heard “And here the Holy Spirit has brought your attention to a flying halt”. A few minutes later I heard “And the stunning assumption was that you had to wait until your reward came”. For months I tried to figure out what this meant, but nothing came. Many times over the past thirty-nine years I had been told by people that I should write a book about my walk. But I thought that it would be written, if it ever would be written, after the Lord stabilized my life and fulfilled all the promises that He has made to me over all these years. But that was obviously not the case. It is supposed to be written now while the wounds and pain are still fresh in my heart and I am not concerned with talking about the horrors that I've been through. That way people who are going through terrible trials right now will be able to know that they are not alone, that someone else has been through them and is not afraid to talk about his feelings, bad and good. I think I know why God has had me begin this book in 2005 when I moved back to Dallas from Tyler, instead of in 1983 when it all began. I feel certain that there will be another book in the future about my walk in the earlier years, but it will be after God stabilizes my life and fulfills His promises to me. In 1983 Paul Cain (before his fall from grace) came to the church I was going to and pointed me out and prophecied this to me “Lord you have promised to restore that which the locusts and canker worm have eaten, and here the enemy has come in and made a terrible situation for a believer. I pray that You will heal that which is torn and replace all the unhappy thoughts in the wee hours of the night with thoughts of peace and tranquility and the joy of the Lord which will be this man's strength. I thank you for prospering him spiritually and materially and in every way, and for giving him a testimony that none can speak against or resist. And you will stabilize his life and use him in an ardent way in these last days”.
In July, 2005 after I had been living in Tyler, TX for eleven long years, God once again had me divest myself of everything I owned (He had me do the same thing in Feb., 1984) – Luke 9:3 – And He said to them “Take nothing for your journey, neither a staff, nor a bag, nor bread, nor money: and do not even have two tunics apiece.” Luke 14:33 - n the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples. In my case He did let me keep the money I had from selling my possessions in 2005, my truck and a few things, i.e. clothing, fishing equip. I even had to give up my wonderful two year old chocolate lab named Dallas, which broke my heart. For those of you who think you can just go to the Bible and claim all of God's promises, all the good things you THINK He wants you to have, you'd better learn to obey His commands first. Without obedience first, everything else is worthless.
When all that was finished I took off and went fly fishing up in Mountain Home, Ark for a few days, having no idea of where God was going to send me next. When I left Arkansas I headed south, not knowing where I was headed. On the highway God told me I was to go back to Dallas where I had lived for about fifteen years before I moved to Tyler. Sixteen years later I still have no idea why He sent me to Tyler for eleven years.
On the way to Dallas He said “Sojourn”. Sojourn Church in Dallas (actually Carrollton, a suburb of Dallas) was a church I had gone to once some years ago, a church that was supposedly Spirit-filled and a “faith” church. I knew some of the members from a church I had attended several years before. When I got to Dallas God told me to go stay at the Dallas Life Foundation, a shelter He had me stay in for a couple of months in 1984, and the absolute worst and nastiest shelter I have ever been in. It was straight from the pit of hell, and I mean that literally. It was the darkest place I've ever seen, absolute evil with no good in it. But God said go, so I had to go there even though I had several thousand dollars in my pocket from selling everything I had in Tyler. I was not very happy with God and told Him so many times. But He doesn't care whether we're happy with Him or not, all He cares about is obedience. Happiness is something He completely removed from my life for the past thirty-nine years, something He still has not allowed me to have.
But the night I was there (and I didn't know it would only be one night) there were three men whom God put next to me and whom I ministered to in three completely different ways. But I encouraged, comforted and lifted them up. That night I went to bed and couldn't get any sleep because the place is not air-conditioned in the sleeping quarters and the evil there is almost unbearable for a spiritual man. At about 4:00 in the morning God let me know I could leave. So I went and got a room at the Comfort Inn in Addison.
The next day I began my stay at Sojourn. I joined a Sunday school class and became a member. I faithfully attended for a couple of months, even giving the church some of the little money I had left.
On the first or second Sunday I went there I met a guy named Steve and we talked for a few minutes when he said “You need to forgive your ex-wife”. I knew this was the Holy Spirit speaking through him because although I had been divorced for twenty-four years I probably still had anger and unforgiveness in my heart towards her, although Steve knew none of this because I hadn't mentioned her to him. So When I went back to the motel I said “Lord, I don't know how to forgive her but I ask you to help me do so.” That night He delivered me from hypoglycemia which had been keeping me from sleeping well since shortly after the divorce in 1981. It turned out that it was a curse that she had put on me after the divorce. (I was told in 1985 that she was a fallen angel. Yes, she was that evil.) A few months later I developed Restless Leg Syndrome, which keeps me from sleeping well. Was it another curse from her? I don't know, but it persists to this day. `
Another Sunday Steve and I were sitting together when a so-called “prophet” from Africa came to the church to preach. He was doing his thing and continually asking “Can I have an Amen to that!!” Now you have to realize that this was a very conservative congregation not prone to responding to that type of emotional outburst. But every time the guy said that the people would respond with “Amen!”. Then the guy told the people to line up against the walls around the church and he would come lay hands on them and ask God to double their blessings and endeavors. In other words God would make them rich and successful. Naturally the people got excited, they all wanted to hear that. He went around the church “prophesying” to each person that God would increase their blessings. When he came to me he said nothing because the lying spirit in him knew that I knew what was going on, it was a farce.
Afterwards I told Steve that Terry Moore, the apostle and senior pastor to the church, wasn't doing his job and that he didn't understand his role, responsibility and authority as an apostle and spiritual head of the church. Terry should have been off to the side in prayer, controlling the spirit of the church and not letting this false prophet hijack the spirit of the church. Hearing all the people responding with “Amens” told me that this guy had control of the spirit of the church because they were an extremely conservative people who would never normally do that. And with him going around falsely prophesying to the people, it was obvious that Terry was not in control of the spirit the way he should have been. The guy going around giving false prophecies to the people also showed that the real desires of the people in this church, including the leadership, were materialistic, not spiritual. Terry was rich and he thought that God wanted everyone to be wealthy and blessed, just like he was. They were all excited and wanting to hear that God would prosper them, make them rich. So the lying spirit obliged them by telling them what they wanted to hear. 1Kings 22:22 - “I will go out and be a deceiving spirit in the mouths of all his prophets,’ he said. 2Corin 11:14-15 – And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. 15 It is not surprising, then, if his servants also masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve. 2Tim 4:3 - For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. In the bookstore at Sojourn there were a number of books by Marilyn Hickey, Benny Hinn, Joel Osteen, Kenneth Copeland and the likes of them, that tells you what that church is all about.
During my time there I came down with fever for several days and I asked Hugh Cunningham, an elder and a pastor, to come see me at the motel with another elder and pray for me. He came with a, I guess he could be called an asst. pastor, and after Hugh spent fifteen or twenty minutes outside my room on his cellphone ,eventually did come in and pray for me. He said I should stay in the room for several days until I felt better and stay on a liquid diet. He never asked me if I needed anything, if I had nourishment in the room, if he could get me anything – he and the other guy just left me to fend for myself. He didn't ask me to come stay with his family or try to get anyone else in the church to take me into their home, he just left me there to take care of myself. Matt 25:42-46 - “For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you? “And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’“And they will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life.
During my time at Sojourn Hugh told me to come talk to him and two other guys and we would talk and pray and see what God would have me do as far as a job. I did and the resulting opinion was that I should look for a job where my skills could be best utilized. I even offered to take a job at the sandwich shop right next door to the motel but he said he didn't think that's what I should do. So I listened to the opinion of the three, thinking they were hearing from the Lord.
After a few weeks my money was running out and I tried to see Hugh but he was very busy and I couldn't see him until a few days later, the day my money ran out. When I saw him that day I told him that I was out of money and had no place to stay. His response was “Go to the Salvation army, they'll take care of you”. I was stunned and extremely depressed because I KNEW that this church would help me. Prov 13:12 - Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. I couldn't believe that this well-off church that preached about faith and the love of God would not help me. Obviously they had no idea what love was all about. When I asked Hugh if the church could put me up in a motel room for a little while longer he told me that they weren't set up for that. This “faith” church had no love or compassion for their members who were in dire straits. Matt 25:43 - “ I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home”. I had been sick for several days and they didn't offer any help. Now I was homeless and they didn't care. I was alone out in the wilderness so to speak, and prey to all the wolves and beasts of the field and my shepherds didn't care.
So I went down to the Salvation Army that night, depressed, angry, disillusioned and abandoned. But I continued to go to church at Sojourn on Sundays. The Salvation Army in Dallas is a place of oppression, darkness, anger, despair and loneliness. It is not a place that uplifts the downtrodden, the hurting, the lonely, the oppressed, the depressed. It is a warehouse for the homeless, nothing more. It might have once been a place of love and compassion, but it is no more. It is a dark place, spiritually and emotionally speaking. I became more and more depressed by the day. The “counselers” in the men's section told the guys most nights that they were just playing games and weren't serious about life. In other words they were just bums.
Seven weeks later I went to Sojourn for the last time. During the service Terry Moore stood up and began talking about Hurricane Katrina and the people in New Orleans and how he felt that the church needed to show compassion to the people from there that needed help, but you could tell from his facial expression and voice that his heart was not really in it. I stood up and said in a very clear and strong voice “Terry, my life has been ravaged by storms and hurricanes for twenty one years, but when I asked my shepherds for help they beat me and threw me out on the streets to be prey to all the wolves and beasts of the field. The Lord rebuke you shepherds! The Lord rebuke you shepherds! The Lord rebuke you shepherds! The Lord rebuke you shepherds!” Then I turned around and left.
The next day I left the Salvation Army and was driving my truck to find an empty field in Carrollton, take a bottle of pain killers I had, and die. I was that depressed. If I had died that day my blood would have been on the hands of the leaders of Sojourn – the blood of a senior prophet. But God had other ideas and led me to another church out there and I told them my story and they put me up in a motel for a few weeks with money to eat and put gas in my truck. But none of them ever called me or visited me or tried to find someone in their church who would take me in. I was all alone in the wilderness and no one really cared, not even God. He was, in fact, the one who put me out in the wilderness to suffer so He could get glory for Himself.
Four years later the Lord instructed me to go to Sojourn Church on a Saturday night with a can of black spray paint and spray several verses on their building. I just sprayed the numbers of the verses, not the entire verses themselves, Rev 3:1 - To the angel of the church in Sardis write:He who has the seven Spirits of God and the seven stars, says this: ‘I know your deeds, that you have a name that you are alive, but you are dead. “ Rev 3:14-19 - “To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:
The Amen, the faithful and true Witness, the Beginning of the creation of God, says this:‘I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth. Because you say, “I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,” and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked, I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see. Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent. '” I sprayed those verses on a pillar on the front of the church, the side of the building and on the surface of the parking lot in large letters that no one could miss. Several days later I received a call from a detective at the Carrollton Police Department asking me to come there the next day. So before I left home I put my wallet and money in the house and only brought my drivers license, expecting to be arrested. When I got there the detective and I talked for a few minutes and then he gave me a sheet of paper from Sojourn Church telling me that I was not allowed on their property again, otherwise I would be arrested for trespassing. The detective said the church wanted me to sign the paper. I gladly did so and told the detective that I could now spiritually wash my hands of Sojourn Church. I have not seen nor heard from anyone at Sojourn since then but I can assure you that the Holy Spirit no longer even visits that empty tomb called Sojourn. They think they can work up the spirit by their singing, but God says “You worship me with your lips, but your hearts are far from me. You are focused on all the material things you think you can get, but not on me.”
It just befuddles me that these co-called “faith churches” think that God wants everybody to be happy, healthy and wealthy. I have no idea where they get that kind of nonsense from. Paul, who wrote the book on faith, certainly wasn't happy, healthy and wealthy. He was in chains, in prison, whipped, hated and even rejected by some of the churches he founded as well as many of those he discipled. Jesus was certainly not a happy man and we are told to share in the fellowship of His sufferings. Notice that it doesn't say to share in His wealth and blessings, but rather His sufferings. Oh, but that's not positive confession so the churches just ignore that command. His disciples gave up everything they had, they certainly weren't wealthy.
Yes, God can bless us and can give us the desire of our hearts, great wealth and happiness, but He certainly doesn't do that to even most Christians. Many times He gives people wealth to test them and see the true desires of their hearts – most of them fail the test. Remember how satan told Jesus that he could give Him all the kingdoms on Earth if He would just worship him. Too many people who have been given great wealth have given their lives to satan. Their wealth has become the focus of their lives. “Sell what you have, give to the poor, and come, follow Me”.
A few weeks after leaving Sojourn I ended up at Hillcrest Church in Dallas, Hillcrest had been a huge non-denomination church at one point but they fired the founding pastor Morris Sheats, for reasons that are not applicable to this story, and hired Mark Brand. Because of the changing of pastors the church lost a large number of its members - I didn't know all this until later because I had never heard of them before this Sunday. But as I was driving down Hillcrest Ave. one day I saw this church and knew that I would be going there at some point. I went there several weeks later when I was lonely, hurting and depressed. The service was okay and afterwards there was a time when people could go up front and be prayed for. I was walking up to be prayed for and God focused my eyes on an older couple up there who were praying for people. I got up there and it turned out that it was Jack and Dorothy Powell, a couple I used to go to church with twenty five years before. Jack was an elder in that church and I knew him back then.
In fact, it was on New Years Eve, 1982 when I was at that church and was devastated because of a broken romance a few weeks before, when I went up to be prayed for and I was down on my knees weeping in great pain when Dorothy spoke in tongues and Jack interpreted. All I remember from it was that God said “You'll be a tower of strength foe Me. You'll lead many men to me. And you'll be victorious beyond your wildest dreams”. That sounds wonderful, and it will be when it happens. But it's been thirty nine years and I haven't seen anything but the strength building. How does God build strength in us? He knocks us down. We get up again, He knocks us down again. We get up. He knocks us down again. We get up. He knocks us down again. This goes on and on and on and on. But each time we get up we get stronger. But it hurts like hell!! He stretches us like a rubber band until we are ready to break. Then He lets us sit like that for a while. No, He doesn't let up on the pressure, He just lets us sit for awhile. Then He does the same thing over and over and over and over again. That folks, is the reality of how God works in those He has chosen for certain responsibilities. Just look what He did to Joseph, Moses, David and all the prophets. He was certainly not a gentle, compassionate and kind God to them, He was brutal. But He did what it took to raise them up to be able to handle the tasks He had in store for them, but the training was absolute hell.
About ten years before the day I saw Jack at Hillcrest I was living in Tyler and called him and asked him to go to lunch. Now you need to understand that I hadn't seen Jack in many years since that previous church folded, but God put it upon my heart to call him and drive to Dallas to have lunch with him. While he and I were having lunch that day the Lord told me that he was an apostle and also that he would be a spiritual father to me at some point in the future. We had a good lunch and I went back to Tyler, not seeing Jack again until that Sunday at Hillcrest in 2005. God works like that.
I was in tears when I realized it was Jack and Dorothy, I was so happy to see them. My heart was still in great pain after the episode at Sojourn and I was still staying in a motel with no one reaching out to me and almost out of money and a place to stay. I was all alone out in the wilderness, I had no one. The church that was putting me up in a motel was a nice church but no one called me to check on me, no one invited me into their home no one asked me over for lunch or dinner. They had done their job giving me a place to stay and were finished with me. It was so wonderful to see Jack and Dorothy. I spent a few minutes with them but they had plans after the service and we couldn't get together.
But I went back in the evening and was in a Bible study with the pastor and several other people. It was an intimate little group who were sharing thoughts and feelings with one another. I told them that I was lonely and hurting and needed a place to stay, having been out in the wilderness for many years. Mark, the pastor, told me that they would help me, and they did. They put me in a motel for several weeks and I had found a church with caring people. They helped me find a home to stay in, a place where I rented a room from a family. I felt loved and cared for. On the third Sunday I was there I went up to Jack and anointed him as the senior apostle in the church, he received it.
One of my jobs as a senior prophet is to anoint people as apostles, prophets and pastors. I don't appoint them, I simply anoint them as the prophets of old did to the kings of the nations of Israel. Many times I have helped them understand their roles and the training that is required. I remember back in 1991 meeting a pastor in a little church in Kemp, TX where I lived for a few years. I was driving through downtown Kemp to go to the Post Office and saw a sign with River Of Life Church written on it. I went in and asked for the pastor and David Haines came out. I remember telling him that God isn't impressed with large churches, what He cares about is seeing His people ministered to personally and individually, and that usually only happens in small churches. About two years later I started going to that church, but that's another story that God will not let me include in this book.
David had a congregation of about 100 people at a converted gymnasium in Kemp. He was the shepherd of a small flock in the country and he was happy and content to be so. He was a humble, gentle, kind and caring young man who did the best he could with the flock God had given him. But several years later God pulled him out of the ministry and had him move to another state where he was doing telemarketing for some company – a job that was totally unlike David, something I could never picture him doing, something I know tore at his heart. But I'm sure he did it to the best of his ability because that's what God gave him to do.
Yes, God will turn our lives upside down when He has a special ministry for us in the future, and put us in jobs and places that are completely different than anything we would ever normally do. Jobs that we absolutely hate, places that we despise. He will make life extremely difficult for us, like He did David, Joseph, Moses, Jeremiah, Isaiah, Ezekiel, Paul and others. That's exactly what He did to the apostle Paul when He sent him into the desert to make tents. That's exactly what He has done to me for the last thirty nine years.
After he left the church in Kemp God gave me a prophetic word for David, but I had to wait seven years to give it to him. Seven years later I saw him at a conference at that church, he had come into town to attend a seminar. Towards the end of the service he went up to the front for prayers and was laying on his face crying his eyes out. He was hurting so badly and didn't understand why God had called him out of the ministry, away from his love for shepherding a little flock. He had heard of the wagging tongues that went on after he left the church, people criticizing and judging him and it had pierced his heart. I went over to him and got on my knees next to him and begin to give him the prophetic word that God had given me for him seven years before. I said something like this “David, God has heard the wagging tongues and they mean nothing to Him. He Himself called you out of the ministry for reasons that you will understand in the future, but not because he was unhappy with you. You have pleased Him greatly and He will honor you for your obedience. The time is coming when you will be the senior pastor of the remnants of Church On The Rock. And He has a beautiful home across the street from this church for you and your family.” In the following years I know that he has returned to a pastoral role in several churches in several states. Several years ago I heard that COTR had churches even in Russia. How large or small COTR will be when David takes them over I have no idea, but he most certainly will lead them in God's timing. Those people at the church who spoke against and gossiped about that tender, humble,loving servant of the Lord should be ashamed of themselves. They will have a price to pay if they make it into Heaven, they will have to repent before God and apologize to David.
Back to my time at Hillcrest. I found some work helping one of the church members remodeling his house and became friends with he and his wife. He didn't pay much but I had enough to pay the weekly rent and buy food and gas for my truck. Unfortunately, after several weeks this guy became jealous of my prophetic calling and begin to treat me very poorly, even with contempt. He even tried to turn several of the people in the church against me, but was unsuccessful. I finally had enough and quit working for him. And since I couldn't pay the rent anymore the family I was living with told me in a very ugly and contemptuous manner to leave. God dealt with them for that.
Then I remember that a black woman in the church came up to me when I was in the prayer room at the church and we began to talk. I told her I needed a place to stay and she invited me to come stay in her apartment. I stayed there for maybe three months and if I got any work to do I split the money with her. If I didn't pick up any work I'd be in the prayer room at Hillcrest during the day because she had a preschool at her apartment during the day. While in the prayer room God used to send people there for me to minister to in many different ways, so there were purposes in me being in the prayer room in addition to praying for the church. But after a few months some of her relatives were coming to visit her in a few days and I couldn't stay there any longer. I needed a place to stay.
Someone at the church had mentioned a ministry to the homeless that the church helped support and thought that might be a place I should look into joining as part of their staff. The ministry will be unnamed at this time because I don't want to hurt them for reasons that will be revealed sometime in the future. I went and spoke to the director of the place and he agreed that I would stay there and serve the ministry in whatever way they needed me. So I got a bed in a room in a house with three bunk beds and five other guys.
I was told me to help the cook in the kitchen, so that's what I did. The next day Willie, the head of the men's ministry, came in the kitchen and I greeted him with “Hi, Willie!” His arrogant response was “Pastor Willie, if you please!”. He wanted to be called “Pastor” because he was in charge. After that I never spoke to him again and I remember often seeing him walking around the ministry's grounds with his “pastor's hat” on, strutting with great pride in every step. He thought he was something special because he was a pastor and had authority. This I can tell you, God was most certainly not impressed with Willie.
While there I bonded with a guy named Rodney who took care of the church property, set up the chairs in the gym before each meeting there, etc. Rodney lived in the closet of the room I was staying in, yes literally. God bonded our hearts together like two brothers and I loved him like a brother. God showed me he was called to be a prophet, and when I told him that it confirmed to him what he believed God had already told him. Rodney had been in the Army Special Forces and had been involved in some really dark things while there. He knew that it messed him up emotionally and he knew that God was healing him. But I saw a man who was a true, humble servant of the Lord who had a heart of gold and who wanted more than anything else to serve the Lord. He truly cared for the people in the homeless program. Like me, he had read the Bible from beginning to end over 70 times and God had revealed many things to him that 99.99% of the Christians will never see or hear. He and I had many very deep spiritual conversations while I was there. I've never known anyone else who I could relate to and talk to on such a deep spiritual level, and I still miss him dearly. I'm tearing up as I write this because he is my brother whom I haven't seen in many years, a part of my heart that is missing. The leaders treated him with contempt and like dirt. Prophets go through absolute hell that most of you can't even imagine. They were hated in the Old Testament, and we are hated today.
I was there for seventeen days before one of the “pastors” told me I needed to go through their Orientation Program. I told him “No, I am not here for that purpose, I am here to help the ministry and the people here, but not to be part of the program”. He told me to leave, and I had to go. Weeks later the director of that ministry agreed that shouldn't have happened, but he never apologized. Nonetheless I continued to go to church over there after a couple of weeks because I knew I could help some of the people there, I knew God had something for me to do over there. But I went back to Hillcrest and ended up living in the prayer room there for one month.
When Morris Sheats was the pastor of Hillcrest he had a large calendar board on the wall in the prayer room so that people could sign up to pray for the church in hourly increments, it was the largest and most beautiful prayer room in the city. I was told that Morris made sure that the prayer board was filled up 24/7, he knew it was necessary for the well being of the church. But the current pastor, Mark Brand, didn't see that as a necessity and so few people signed up even though the prayer board was still on the wall. For a full month I lived in the prayer room, every day going around the sanctuary praying over every seat. At night I slept on the couch in the prayer room. In the mornings I would go to one of the local hotels that had free breakfasts for its guests and ate there. I looked and dressed like the business executives that were guests there, so they thought that I was a guest. I even showered in their exercise room while there. At night I would go to another hotel that had wine and hors d'oeuvres for their quests set out on a buffet table and I had that for dinner. I had no where to eat lunch so I fasted that meal because I had to.
I really didn't understand what the Lord was doing having me live in the prayer room because the church didn't want me there and wanted me to leave, and I certainly didn't want to be there. One day Jack came and told me that the pastor had asked him to tell me to leave, but that night he had a dream and saw me as his son and he couldn't tell me to leave anymore than he could have told his own son to leave. So God kept me there. One night the guy who was the night watchman for the church, Bill, a man God was calling to be a prophet, told me that the church should be ashamed because the members were not in the prayer room at night praying for the church and I had to be there to do that. God was telling me that I was spiritually the watchman for the church 24/7. Remember the watchmen on the walls for Israel in the Old Testament? Well, that's what I was for Hillcrest but they didn't see it.
Prophets are watchmen, it is our job. My name is Clifford, I am a watchman who stands on the edge of the cliff watching the fording place in the river to see when the enemy is coming so that I can warn the people. God named me for that purpose. The job involves sitting and watching, waiting, doing nothing; I hate it, I despise it,, but it's part of my responsibility. I thrive on being busy, on challenge, but God absolutely refuses to let me do that much of the time. He makes me sit and wait, sit and wait, sit and wait, most of the time all alone with no one to talk to, nothing to do. It frustrates me beyond belief. It is the complete opposite of who and what I am. I hate it!! Being alone all the time is torture. God makes sure that no one calls me , comes to visit me, invites me anywhere. It is hell! But it's no different than what God did to the prophets of old. And he hasn't changed, unlike what far too many spiritual little children believe today. We are told to share in the sufferings of Christ, and that's exactly what God has forced upon me. . Jesus was homeless, he didn't have a place of his own to stay, nor did I. Matt 8:20 - Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” He probably lived in a tent or stayed with friends from time to time. He was lucky to have friends to stay with from time to time.
Hillcrest Church used to have a rather large coven of witches and warlocks in the church, and the administration never knew they were there - but they most certainly were. While I was living in the prayer room the pastor's secretary used to come in the prayer room several days a week and pray, or so I thought. One day I saw her sitting in one of four chairs under a canopy in the corner, apparently in prayer. But God showed me she was actually having a séance with satan himself. I was stunned! After she left I went over to that area and got some oil and anointed each chair with oil and prayed in the spirit over them. The next time she came in she went over there but couldn't sit down, and instead went over to a small table with four chairs on the other side of the room and began her evil there. After she left I got the oil and anointed that table and chairs and prayed over them. The next time she came in she couldn't sit there and went to one of the kneelers by the altar to do her evil. After she left I anointed all the kneelers with oil and prayed over them. I never saw her in the prayer room again.
One day after I had been living in the prayer room for about three weeks the Lord suddenly told me that there was going to be an attack on the church. If I had a trumpet I would have gone throughout the church blowing it loudly to warn the people. Instead I called the elder in charge of prayer and told him that God warned me that an attack was coming on the church. He knew I was a prophet so he should have listened, but he didn't. I saw Rodney the next day and told him what the Lord showed me, and he said “Yes, there will be infighting inside the walls, many will be injured and many will leave. But if they rebuild the 24/7 prayer walls the attack can be diverted.” I told another elder what I saw and what Rodney said, but apparently he didn't take it seriously. I told one of the pastors, one of the trustees and several members, but no one did anything. In a desk drawer in the prayer room there were some brochures on prayer that one of the members had written a couple of years before, so I put them out all over the prayer room. Someone came in and removed them. No one listened or cared. I was just some homeless guy living in the church, no money to give to the church, not famous or rich, so no one paid attention. They wouldn't have listened to Jeremiah, Isaiah, Ezekiel or any of the prophets of old, either.
Around this time Jack Powell fell down from a ladder at his house, fractured his skull and was in Intensive Care at the hospital. Since Jack was a spiritual father to me and to Bill, the night watchman, he and I took turns staying at the hospital watching over Jack. After all, we were both spiritualwatchmen and both his spiritual sons. When he came out of intensive care and was put in a private room, we were in the room with him all day and all night, in twelve hour shifts. No, we really didn't realize the importance of what we were doing, we were there because we loved Jack. It was only later that God revealed to me what we were actually there for. We were there to protect him from the evil coven in the church who wanted to kill him because they knew he was the senior apostle for the church and the head of spiritual authority for the church, even though the leadership didn't recognize him as such. They knew they had to get him out of the way so they could destroy the church.
Jack was beginning to recover and to somewhat get his wits about him, but he was still in serious shape. Then they moved him to another area for physical therapy and we couldn't be there to watch over him. That's when the witches and warlocks in the church did their thing and killed him. I remember seeing several older people from the church sitting in the waiting room and I felt uncomfortable around them, there was something I could not put my finger on about them. But afterwards I realized these people were evil, they were part of the coven in the church. And since Bill and I were no longer able to be with Jack to protect him, they could kill him with their evil, and did. I know of no other way to explain it other than that. Interestingly enough, when Jack was buried the Lord would not let me go to his funeral, and it hurt me not to be able to do so. But God told me “Let the dead bury the dead.” We have to obey whether we like it or not, or whether we understand or not.
Yes, there was evil in the church. The older couple who were in charge of the Deliverance Ministry for the church were a witch and warlock, and no one in leadership at the church could see it. I had been uncomfortable around them and then the Lord showed me what was happening. When people went to them for deliverance they were given a multi-page survey asking them questions from the day they were born to the present. This information was then used against them when they met with the couple for deliverance. They used the information in the survey to put spiritual oppression on the people, not to set them free. The Holy Spirit already knows all the information about people and the Holy Spirit is the one who reveals whatever info is necessary during deliverance, no survey is ever needed. After that every time I saw them I saw the evil in them.
God has had me in over one hundred churches over the past thirty nine years and I have seen evil in many of them, most of the time in the leadership. 2Cor 11:14 - “And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants also masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve.” Far too many of the leaders are wolves in sheep's clothing. They love the attention they get, the authority they have, the way that people look up to them. They love what they think is their importance. They deceive most people.
My commission as a prophet was the same as Jeremiah's – Jer 1:5 - ”Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jer 1:10 - “See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.” None of the churches that I have prophesied to, warned, or counseled have listened – 99% of those don't exist anymore.
While Jack was in the hospital I was going to the church service at the homeless ministry because it was less than a mile from the hospital. While there the woman who founded it asked me if I would come back, I told her that I would. The next day I went to a men's breakfast meeting at Hillcrest and told them that I was going back to the homeless ministry. A guy stood up and said to me: “Ezek 2:1-7 - He said: “Son of man, I am sending you to the Israelites, to a rebellious nation that has rebelled against me; they and their ancestors have been in revolt against me to this very day. The people to whom I am sending you are obstinate and stubborn. Say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says.’And whether they listen or fail to listen—for they are a rebellious people—they will know that a prophet has been among them. And you, son of man, do not be afraid of them or their words. Do not be afraid, though briers and thorns are all around you and you live among scorpions. Do not be afraid of what they say or be terrified by them, though they are a rebellious people. You must speak my words to them, whether they listen or fail to listen, for they are rebellious.”
Later that day while reading through Ezekiel the Lord gave me these verses: Ezek 3:4-11 - “He then said to me: “Son of man, go now to the people of Israel and speak my words to them. You are not being sent to a people of obscure speech and strange language, but to the people of Israel— not to many peoples of obscure speech and strange language, whose words you cannot understand. Surely if I had sent you to them, they would have listened to you. But the people of Israel are not willing to listen to you because they are not willing to listen to me, for all the Israelites are hardened and obstinate. But I will make you as unyielding and hardened as they are. I will make your forehead like the hardest stone, harder than flint. Do not be afraid of them or terrified by them, though they are a rebellious people.” And he said to me, “Son of man, listen carefully and take to heart all the words I speak to you. Go now to your people in exile and speak to them. Say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says,’ whether they listen or fail to listen.” Needless to say I was stunned. I really had no idea what I was getting into. But I had to go, there was no choice. When I went to speak to the director (not the founder who asked me to come back) about staying there, he told me “I don't know how a prophet will fit in this ministry”. The Lord showed him what I was so he had no excuse for not listening.
That night Jack died and I was deeply distressed, badly hurting. The next morning was the Sunday service at the homeless ministry and I went early, hoping to find someone to talk to. The director's wife came in and I asked her to pray for me. We went into a back room, she pulled up a chair next to me and pressed her right breast firmly against my arm and began to pray for me. I was appalled. I couldn't believe that she would do such a seductive thing. But that's exactly what she did. Lord, what am I getting into over here!!! Yes, she knew EXACTLY what she was doing.
The next morning I went to a meeting of the staff, assuming that I was to be part of it. But one of the house managers', a so-called “pastor”, stood up and yelled “Get out of here!!”. I just stood there and stared him in the eyes until he sat down. He didn't like me when I was there before because I wouldn't kowtow to him. Willie came and was angry at me instead of the idiot, and told me to go to the house and he would let me know when he needed me. I never heard from Willie again until I was called into the director's office nine weeks later.
So I went to the house and sat. After seven days I sent a note to the director giving him a word from the Lord. It was about the parable of the ten talents and that God had sent him a talent that had been tested and tried in the fires of affliction for over twenty years, taught and purified in the wilderness for twenty one years. I told him that it seemed like they were trying to hide and/or bury that talent. I never heard from him.
This is one of the verses God gave me the day before I went there: Ezek 3:14-15 - “The Spirit then lifted me up and took me away, and I went in bitterness and in the anger of my spirit, with the strong hand of the Lord on me. I came to the exiles who lived at Tel Aviv near the Kebar River. And there, where they were living, I sat among them for seven days—deeply distressed. “ What I did see in the ten weeks I was there was an abomination to the Lord! I didn't see love, mercy and compassion anywhere in the leadership, it didn't exist. What I did see were a bunch of low-level people who thought that because they were in a leadership role, something they had never been in before, that they were something special. They were impressed by what they thought was the “power” they had, their “authority”. They all demanded to be called “pastor Willie” or pastor Phil”, etc. I wouldn't call any of them by a title. I was tempted to tell them they needed to call me “Prophet Cliff”, but I knew God would kick my butt if I did that, lol.
I sat there every day out in the yard and read my bible or helped Rodney around the church. Willie never asked me to do anything, nor did the director Many, many times guys who were going through the program came and talked to me about what they were going through, how badly the “pastors” were treating them. I tried to comfort and encourage them the best I could,. They would tell me how they found no love or compassion in the leaders. I watched during Bible study classes and the services on Sundays how Willie used to go up in the electronics loft and watch the people to try and catch them sleeping or talking during the service, so he could jump all over them and many times throw them out. He was always trying to catch them doing something wrong so he could evict them. He was like an hawk trying to catch his prey. Jer 5:26-27 - “Among my people are the wicked who lie in wait like men who snare birds and like those who set traps to catch people. Like cages full of birds, their houses are full of deceit; they have become rich and powerful. I saw people thrown out for the slightest infraction of the rules. But I also saw people giving things to Willie and other “pastors”, and those people were treated very differently by the “pastors”.
One of the few people I saw there with any love and compassion was the founder. She was a wonderful woman who truly cared about the people there. She had a beautiful heart. The problem was in the people she hired to run the ministry. They weren't qualified to be in a management position in a ministry like that, but she didn't see what was going on. That's why God sent me there as a watchman, to sit and watch, to keep my eyes and ears open, which I did. The verses God had given me from Ezekiel before I went there proved to be true. But God will give her the desires of her heart in the near future, and she will see the ministry God had shown her in a dream many years ago come to pass and bloom into a beautiful thing.
While I was there I met a guy named Roberto who had a landscaping business and he hired some of the guys at the ministry to work for him. I first saw him at a Sunday service and I knew he was an apostle, it's just something God shows me about apostles and prophets. I went and spoke to him for a few minutes and told him what I saw in him, He confirmed that I was correct. After that time he and I got together often and spoke about the leadership at the ministry and the many problems we saw with it, but there was nothing he nor I could do about it other than try to help the guys there. Roberto was a true man of God, a humble, caring man. A true apostle. He and I had many talks about the way people at that ministry were abused and kicked out. He saw what I saw and it hurt and angered him as it did me. But there was nothing we could do about it other than pray and help those the Lord allowed us to help.
After sitting there for nine weeks I was called to the director's office one day. When I got there he and Willie were sitting there and began to tell me that I was causing trouble in the ministry. I didn't even try to defend myself. Instead I looked them in the eyes and spoke to them a verse that God had given me for them a couple of weeks before. I said “You have gone far enough O princes of Israel. Stop your violence and oppression and do what is just and right. Cease your evictions of my people says the Lord. Ezek 45:9”. Their response was “Huh.” In other words, they heard but refused to listen and obey. Then I was told I had to leave in seven days. They directly and immediately disobeyed what the Lord had just told them. Talk about hard-headed and rebellious, just exactly what the Lord had told me they would be.
In the ten weeks there I would sit and read my Bible for several hours a day, just start in the beginning and read it through. While reading through it God gave me a number of verses regarding the ministry and I would underline them. The day I left there I went to a local library and typed out a five page letter to the director giving him every one of those verses. It was not a pleasant letter, it was a strong rebuke from the Lord. He still refused to listen. Some of those verses were:
Jonah 1:2 - “Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.”
Ezek 2:4-5 - ”The people to whom I am sending you are obstinate and stubborn. Say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says.’ And whether they listen or fail to listen—for they are a rebellious people—they will know that a prophet has been among them.”
Isa 30:9-11 - “ For these are rebellious people, deceitful
children, children unwilling to listen to the Lord’s instruction.
They say to the seers, “See no more visions!”
and to the prophets, Give us no more visions of what is right! Tell us pleasant things, prophesy illusions. Leave this way, get off this path, and stop confronting us with the Holy One of Israel!”
Zech 7:11-12 - “But they refused to pay attention; stubbornly they turned their backs and covered their ears. They made their hearts as hard as flint and would not listen to the law or to the words that the Lord Almighty had sent by his Spirit through the earlier prophets. So the Lord Almighty was very angry. “
Prov 1:25-28 - “since you disregard all my advice and do not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh when disaster strikes you; I will mock when calamity overtakes you—when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you.“Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me,”
1Sam 15:23 - “Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, he has rejected you as king.”
Matt 5:13 - “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. “
Jer 25:34-38 - “Weep and wail, you shepherds; roll in the dust, you leaders of the flock. For your time to be slaughtered has come; you will fall like the best of the rams. The shepherds will have nowhere to flee, the leaders of the flock no place to escape. Hear the cry of the shepherds, the wailing of the leaders of the flock, for the Lord is destroying their pasture. The peaceful meadows will be laid waste because of the fierce anger of the Lord. Like a lion he will leave his lair, and their land will become desolate because of the sword of the oppressor and because of the Lord’s fierce anger. “
Ezek 34:4-6 - “You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. So they were scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals. My sheep wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. They were scattered over the whole earth, and no one searched or looked for them. “
As of this date in 2021 that ministry no longer has a homeless ministry. The previous director is no longer there, nor any of the rest of the so-called leaders. Some of their property has been sold. But it will flourish again when God re-opens the door. Many homeless will be reached for the Lord and their lives completely changed. We will be preparing them to go out into the fields for the last days harvest. Yes, the last days harvest is that near. Is that the desire of my heart? No. I am a businessman who enjoys the challenges of running a business. But this ministry is what God has chosen for me in the future, so this is what I'll do, and I'll do it to the best of my ability. And it will be very satisfying to help people turn their lives around.
As far as Hillcrest Church was concerned, shortly after I left I heard that Morris Sheats, the former pastor, had begun a new church a few miles away and sent a flier to the mailing list of Hillcrest announcing his new church. Because of this there was great arguing and bitter feelings at Hillcrest, many people were emotionally wounded and many left – exactly what I told them would happen. Several months later I sent a letter to Mark Brand and to the elder in charge of prayer telling them that if they didn't begin to have the members pray 24/7 then the church would fold. It is no longer in existence and Prestonwood Baptist Church bought the building. Folks, God is not playing games, He is dead serious. He is preparing us forthe last days ministry and there will be no fooling around, no place for disobedience. But the prophets of old were ignored, and the prophets of today are ignored – unless, of course, we tell the churches and ministries good things.
After I left the homeless ministry I ended up again sleeping at Hillcrest Church, although no one knew I was staying there, or at least they couldn't find where I was sleeping. The day after I left the ministry was a Sunday and I went to a little church on Arapaho Rd., just a place I passed while driving around. When I went in I saw a couple of people I knew from another church I had attended years before, so I went and spoke to them for a few minutes, not telling them of my situation. After the service I talked to the pastor and told him I didn't have a place to stay, but he just turned away and walked out. Another wonderful Christian showing me the love of Jesus. That night I slept in the back bed of my truck in that church's parking lot. The church no longer exists.
A few days later I was driving on LBJ Frwy. and saw Watermark Church, so I stopped and went in to their Wednesday night service. While in the lobby a guy came by and he asked me about myself and I told him the situation I was in. He said that the church had $52,000,000 in the bank for the church's building fund and he was sure they would help me, I just needed to talk to the staff. I met a guy by the name of Jim Wimberly who was one of the pastors over there, it turned out I knew him from the first church I went to when I moved to Dallas in 1978. I told him what my situation was and his response was “Well, go stay at the Union Gospel Mission, they'll disciple you”. Another loving, compassionate servant of the Lord. Another church that Jesus went to in need and they told Him to go to some homeless mission and they would disciple Him. Matt 25:41-45 - Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’ “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ Unfortunately, this is what most churches do to people the Lord sends their way to test their hearts – they fail, as did Watermark. They will have to answer to God on Judgment Day
During these few days I was still sleeping at Hillcrest and would spend my days at the library. One day while at the library a gal came over to me and it was someone I had met Hillcrest Church. She asked me to come to a prayer lunch at her apartment the next day. I was happy to go. There were three women and one man there and we talked, prayed , ate and they said the rosary -yes, I know, vain, repetitious prayer. I abstained from joining them in saying the rosary. But God showed me later that He sometimes hears their prayers when they say the rosary if their hearts are truly in it. So I can't judge them for that. I used to be a Catholic when I was raised in New Orleans, an altar boy, went to Jesuit High School, lived literally right next to Loyola University in New Orleans, and even had an uncle who was a Jesuit priest, so I am well-acquainted with the rosary and Catholic theology. Yes, they have their theological and spiritual problems, just like all the churches do. But God sees the hearts of people, and that's what He cares about, not their theology, rules and regulations. He is their judge, not us.
After the others left she and I were sitting down talking and she said “You need a place to stay, don't you?” It was something the Holy Spirit showed her. I said “yes”, and she asked me if I wanted to stay in her apartment. So I did for about a month. She helped me find a little work with a couple of her friends, so I had a little money. Then one day I remember stopping at some church in the neighborhood and going to sit in one of the pews. I sat there and said “Lord, what are you doing? You are filling my heart with love for her. What is going on?” I certainly didn't fall in love with her, but God was filling my heart with love for her. I didn't understand it, but that's definitely what He was doing. I told one of her friends what was happening, and of, course, she told Gail. Gail was scared because we hardly knew one another, I understood that. But I couldn't deny what God had done. One of her friends had a garage apartment and asked her if I could stay there. I moved there a few days later and things seemed to be turning around for the better. But then Gail all of a sudden turned ugly and kicked me out of her life. I was devastated. It turned out she was bipolar. It is an horrible illness where people are nice one minute and terrible the next. There was absolutely nothing I could do to change the situation. I believe God did that because He wanted me to know how He hurts when people turn their backs on Him.
I remember being extremely angry at God because He was the one who had put this relationship together, and He was the one who had filled my heart with love for her. I was deeply hurt. Just another nasty wound that God inflicted upon me. Deut 32:39 - I have wounded and I will heal. Isaiah 30:26 - when the Lord binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted. Yes, it is God who puts these things together. It is God who put me on this unbelievably horrible, painful walk filled with virtually nothing but pain and bitter disappointment for the past thirty-nine years. I'm not happy with Him and there are times I absolutely despise Him for the cruel wounds He has inflicted on my heart, the despicable way He has treated me. The only thing that keeps me going are the promises He made me at the beginning of this walk in 1983, the hope that He will fulfill those promises one day. But as of this day He has certainly not healed any of the wounds that He inflicted on my heart, nor has He fulfilled any of the promises He made to me.
A friend of mine had a vacant rent house that needed some repairs and he asked me if I could do the work for him. Since the house was empty I stayed there for a couple of weeks while working on it. Then I was driving down Hillcrest Rd again in Richardson and saw a bible church that will be unnamed. God let me know I was to go there. I did and I got some work from a couple of the families in the church that needed their houses painted. So I was able to stay in a motel for a while. But motel living is not very comfortable nor does it have any stability. It's all temporary living. I even worked in the meat market at Albertsons Grocery for about ten months. That was certainly no fun. But that's the door that God opened for me. I would stay at Motel 6 for a few days, then sleep on the floor of another friend's apartment for a few days, then on the flea-ridden couch of another friend's apartment for a few days. It was not a pleasant way to live.
On March 8, 2008 a guy I had met through a fly fishing club was single, living alone, and had an extra bedroom and he said I could come live there. The place was an absolute pigpen, filthy and unkempt. Dale, who weighed 450 lbs, hadn't cleaned or vacuumed it for probably 10-12 years. It was nasty. He let the outside deteriorate and did nothing to fix it. The weeds in the flower bed were six feet tall, literally. He was so lazy that the City of Plano had to fine him several times because he wouldn't even hire anyone to cut the grass. All Dale liked to do was eat and sit and yap, yap, yap about all the things he supposedly had done and the “important” people he knew, 99% of it were lies. He would sit there in his undershorts ( can you imagine what it's like to have to look at a 450# blob of fat in just his underwear) and yap, yap, yap, and then haw!,haw!, haw!, with his fat jiggling all over. He never asked me anything about myself, he only wanted to talk about himself. I listened to him but after a few weeks I spent most of my days in the public library and my nights in my bedroom. I got to the point that my doctor at the VA gave me some mood-stabilizing drugs to help me. I have never known such a lonely, lazy person before or after. I was very, very uncomfortable living there but that's the place where God had put me. Dale was so fat that he couldn't wipe himself after using the toilet, he had to go in the shower and use the spray attachment to clean himself off. Virtually every time I took a shower I had to clean the feces out before I used it. He was that filthy. I was extremely uncomfortable there, but that was where God made me stay. While there I began to pick up some repair/remodeling work and made a little money, but not much. But everyday I worried if the bank I had bought my truck from would find out where I lived and come and repossess my truck that I had not made a payment on since I left Tyler in July, 2005. There was never a time when I could just sit and relax. There was constant and unbelievable stress in my life, it never let up.
Sometime in early 2009 my spiritual Kikuyu sister in Kenya told me that God was going to have Dale give me the house. I figured that I would have to see that to believe it after all the other bitter disappointments of the past from God. Over the previous twenty-seven years God would tell me some good thing He was going to do for me or give me. He would give me hope like it would happen quickly, and then He would suddenly pull the rug from out under me. Every time without fail it was like “Oh, not yet, first you have to suffer”. Prov 13:12 - Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. This stuff went on for over thirty years years and my heart was deeply wounded and I became very, very bitter towards God. I used to yell and scream at Him day after day after day. I was enraged at Him. It was like He really got His kicks hurting me, like He enjoyed sticking knives in my heart every chance He got. There were times I absolutely hated Him and wished He were dead. Many days I wished that I was dead. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, and it was God who kept deferring every hope He gave me. He kept putting me in one horrible situation after another after another after another. He kept knocking me down, I would get up. He would knock me down again, and I would get up again. It hurt like nothing I could ever have believed possible. Naturally I got stronger each and every time, which accomplished what He wanted. But I hated it, and sometimes hated Him because of the torture He was putting me through. The pain was almost unbearable.
In 2009 God had me begin to write my blogwww.watchman2009.blogspot.com, something He had been putting on my heart for several years. The first message “The Destruction Of The USA” was a very potent warning about how and why God is going to judge this wicked nation which has turned not just away from Him, but against Him. It was a message which was several years coming, something that my heart was burning to tell, something from the heart of a prophet feeling God's heart which is angry at this nation and its churches. In 1983 when God had me give up my executive search firm and stay home and read the Bible for eight hours a day, seven days a week, for what ended up being nine months, I was reading in Revelation 18 and knew that was what was going to happen to this nation. That, and the curses of Deut 28, were going to be its punishment for its sins. But it was twenty six years later before God had let me put it in writing. Yes, He makes us wait that long some times before we give warnings. He lets things burn in our hearts for many years before He allows us to speak. Do I know why? No, I have absolutely no idea why. What I do know is that it is frustrating beyond belief. Moses probably felt the same was having to wait for forty years before God sent him back to Egypt to set his people free.
And after all the churches He has put me in over the past thirty-nine years I can now see that His judgment on the churches is not going to be any gentler than His judgment on the USA. The churches are nice social groups that get together a couple of times a week and talk about how good they are and how God wants to bless them, give the people everything their hearts desire. If they'll just give their tithes to the church God will bless them hundreds of times over. I remember one time watching Pat Robertson on tv on one of his raise-money-a-thons, he calls them praise-a-thons, and he was telling the people that so and so just sent him $100 and the next day God gave that person $,10,000. In other words, give me your money and God will bless you many times over – what absolute nonsense!! That's what the focus of most churches is, give us your money and God will give you much more. Give us your money so that we can have bigger churches, more programs, more pastors, more staff, and we will look so great and so important. They all seem to have missed the story of the woman who gave her last cent to the synagogue and there was never any mention that God gave her anything in return here on earth. They missed in Luke where Jesus said “Unless you give up everything you have you cannot be my disciple.” See, that's not “positive confession”, so they ignore it. They want everything they can get from God but forget that there is a heavy price for it.
My friends, that kind of “faith” is not impressive to God. It is an abomination to Him. He absolutely HATES that. He wants His people to be ministered to personally and individually. He wants His people to be taught to be holy, to be humble, to be kind, to be gentle, to be patient, to be most of all loving. He wants His people to be warned about sin and the judgment that comes from it. He wants His people to repent for their sins. He wants this nation that He has blessed more than any other nation in history to repent and turn from its wicked and evil ways. He wants His people to be taught to take care of the sick, the homeless, those in prison, the lonely, the hurting, the ones without food or clothing. Unfortunately that is not happening in today's churches. Today's churches are teaching people how God wants to bless them, to prosper them, to give them everything they want. Somewhere along the line they forgot to teach His people that He wants them to be more like Jesus, even if that involves great suffering and many times the loss of material goods and human desires. Many times it means that you have to give up your own desires and do what He leads you to do, just like the apostle Paul and Moses had to do; just like I've had to do.
In 1983 I went with the Bill Glass Prison Ministry to the Retrieve Unit, a maximum security prison in south Texas, to spend the weekend ministering to those in prison. I had never been on anything like that before and I didn't have any expectations of evangelizing to people there. I just went because I knew that God wanted me to go. I remember sitting in the gym where many chairs were set up and they let the prisoners in and they came and sat wherever they wanted to. Several rather large black guys came and sat two rows in front of me, guys that you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley. While the entertainment was going on God gave me a vision of one of the guys as a baby needing his mother to comfort him. After the show was over I went up to one of the guards and asked him that guy's name and was told it was William. So I went over to William and asked him if we could talk. He said we could go to his cell and visit. So we went to his cell and started to talk about nothing in particular, nothing important. Suddenly he said “Brother Clifford, I ran away from God many years ago and He sent you here to tell me it's time to return to Him”. I was stunned!! It turned out that he was in prison for armed robbery and the other prisoners thought he was a real mean guy. But God knew his heart and sent me there to let him know that God still loved him, that He hadn't forgotten him. Let me be very clear about this, I did absolutely nothing to lead him to think this, it was the Holy Spirit who did all the work. I was just a willing servant of the Lord to be there. The next day at the church service I saw William in the choir with the biggest angelic smile on his face! He glowed! You would have thought there was an angel in the choir, and maybe there was. I know in my heart that his life was forever changed after that weekend. I knew he had returned to the Lord.
Another prisoner I met there was Charles, the chaplain's assistant. He was a black man who had truly turned his life around in prison, God had gotten a hold of him, he was a changed man. After I went back home we corresponded a few times and I even went down there a few months later to see him again. He was up for parole and I wrote a letter to the parole board telling them that William was truly a changed man and that he would never see the inside if a prison again if they let him out on parole. A few weeks after that William wrote me and told me that he was granted parole, I was so happy for him. Then he told me something that still touches me to this day. He said it was my letter to the parole board that caused the board to set him free. I still shed a few tears when telling that story. But it was God working through me that did all the work, I was just a willing servant.
I met another guy, a Latino named Ernesto, a man who was serving a life term for murder. He was guilty and he admitted it. But he also told me that the Lord changed his heart while he was in prison, and God showed me it was real. He knew he was going to be in prison for the rest of his life, but he had peace now because he had given his life to the Lord. No, he never asked me for anything, no money, cigarettes, nothing. He was a new man in Jesus and he helped to lead others in prison to the Lord. He set an example for them.
I had no expectations when I went on that prison outing. I didn't try to make anything happen. I didn't look for people to minister to. I let the Lord put me together with people, or put them on my heart. Then He did what He wanted to do through me. See, He's not looking for people to do great works for Him, He wants to do great thing THROUGH US, which means we have to get out of the way and let Him do it.
In the homeless shelters and ministries God made me stay in for probably nine to ten months over the last thirty nine years I saw many who deserved to be there because of there own faults. But I also saw many who had been through traumatic events in their lives and were devastated by them. Maybe it was a nasty divorce, maybe the death of a spouse, a parent, a child, maybe they lost their jobs due to no fault of their own, maybe they had been in the military and were in a war and came back traumatized and hadn't recovered from it. Maybe some of those events caused them to turn to alcohol or drugs. Whatever had happened they ended up homeless. But I saw men who if given another chance in life would turn their lives around. If given love, compassion, understanding, mercy and help, a second or third chance, they could become contributing members of society again. They could then help others who were going through the same problems they had been through and have compassion for them.
But it was rare to see any of that type of help in those shelters or ministries, and even less of that type of love and compassion in the churches. The churches send money to the shelters and think that their job is over. They are very, very wrong. They are empty of love and compassion, they are empty tombs. They are the very groups that are supposed to help the homeless, the down and out, the hurting, personally help them. They will have to answer to God for their lukewarm or cold hearts.
A few months after I began living with Dale in 2008 I was driving down the street in front of my house and saw a guy and his son who lived across the street out in front of their house. His young son was holding a 22 lb catfish in his hands. I stopped and admired it and we spoke for just a couple of minutes, then I went into my house. A few weeks later I was working in the garage and a guy walked in, the one from across the street. His name was Neil and he needed someone to talk to, he was going through a very painful and nasty divorce and needed to talk, so we just sat down and began to get to know one another. Since I had been through a very bad divorce in 1981 I knew what the pain and stress were like and had compassion for others going through the same traumatic event. Years before this God told me that He would send by my door many who needed ministry – here He was doing exactly that.
Neil and I spent many afternoons and evenings sitting in my garage sharing about our lives. Neil was a large guy in his mid-30s and was a weight-lifter. But he has one of the most gentle and tender hearts that I've ever seen, a kind, caring and compassionate man, a peacemaker; man of honor and integrity, morals and character. A man you could trust with your life. He was not a spiritual man at that time, but God told me He was calling Neil to the office of an apostle. Neil had no concept of what an apostle was, but God has been revealing that to him little by little. But Neil did have his problems like all of us do. Several times God gave me warnings for him, but he ignored them. In every case he paid a price for that disobedience to the Lord. He, like Jesus, learned obedience by that which he suffered. But once he learned the lessons he never forgot them nor crossed those lines again. In all things he now wants to obey the Lord. No, it's not easy. Sometimes the choices are extremely difficult, they are painful, they cause great stress, but obedience is the only way.
Before this, when God sent people to me for ministry I was always comforting, encouraging and building them up, but in Neil's case He would not let me encourage him. It was extremely frustrating for me not to be able to encourage him, but God would not allow it. It hurt me as well as him for me not to be able to do that. I didn't like it at all because he was my brother and friend and he needed it. But God would not allow it. Period. Yes, I could see God's purposes in doing it that way because Neil got much stronger and stronger over these years having to do this on his own. But I certainly didn't like God's ways, they were painful for Neil and me. But his spiritual growth has been a wonderful thing to behold. He is truly a servant of the Lord now. Finally, after all these years, God is now beginning to let me encourage him. It is a good feeling both for him and me. I know God will use him mightily in the future. He has grown so much spiritually that now God even uses him to give me spiritual insight on some things from time to time.
As for my blog, I found all kinds of “Christian” forums and groups on the internet and would post the message “The Destruction Of The USA” on them, hoping that the people would listen. Every now and then someone would agree with what I was warning about, but most of the time the response was not only someone disagreeing with my message but with ugly rage against it. I was surprised at how people absolutely refused to even consider that God was going to judge this nation for slaughtering over 60 million unborn babies, and at the highest levels promoting and parading in the streets its sins of homosexuality, transexuality, lesbianism and same-sex marriage. I was surprised at how people tried to judge me for every little thing they thought they thought they could find wrong. 1Cor 2:15 – A spiritual man judges all things. but is judged by no one.
The people were adamant that God would not destroy this country as long as even one righteous man existed in it, citing Abraham's argument with God about Sodom. What they didn't want to see was how many times God sent the whole nation of Israel into slavery because they turned away from Him – even though there were many innocent people in Israel at that time. How many times He destroyed their nation because of their disobedience. Those parts of the Bible were negative so they chose to ignore them. They only wanted to hear how God was going to bless them and the USA. They refused to hear the truth. They've obviously never read the stories in the Old Testament when David numbered the fighting men in Israel against the advice from the elders and how God sent a plague that killed seventy thousand innocent soldiers because David had sinned. Or how He sent a plague that killed over twenty-six thousand innocent people in one tribe because one man had taken some forbidden objects when he went to war. These stories they haven't read or been taught because they are not “positive” stories about God's blessings.I remember a prominent church that I went to in Dallas where I joined an adults Bible study group and told them what was coming upon this nation. I received a call from one of the pastors a few days later telling me that I was not welcome in that group anymore.
People only want to believe that God is a good God who only wants to bless them and make them happy, healthy and wealthy. They don't want to hear that He disciplines His children and scourges every son He receives. As I said in the first message on my blog, my messages are for five percent of the people, the other ninety-five percent are too immature to handle them – so also will it be for those reading this story. The greatest part of so-called Christians are mere children who need to be fed pablum, baby food, because they can't handle meat, the hard stuff that requires teeth to chew on. Babies only want the soft stuff, and they need someone to feed them because they don't want to feed themselves. That's why most people go to church on Sundays, to be fed. They go from one church to another because they are not being fed in the church they're in. They don't want to take the time to read the Bible at home and feed themselves. God is disgusted with them. Most of them will not inherit the kingdom of heaven. Matt 7:13 - Heaven can be entered only through the narrow gate! The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide enough for all the multitudes who choose its easy way. Living Bible
Most Christians, at least ninety-five percent, are children, not sons. God doesn't give the riches and inheritance of His kingdom to children, He gives it to those He has raised to sonship. The sons who God scourges know what pain is all about. They know the suffering that God has put them through. They know the hardship that He requires them to endure, the pain, the rejection, the ridicule. The know that the riches and inheritance of His kingdom are not what man thinks they are, they are spiritual knowledge, vision and authority that come only with spiritual maturity, spiritual adulthood - sonship. Paul was a son and he was certainly not rich or happy, but he wrote the book on what faith is truly all about. He wrote more of the Bible than any other human being. His writings are filled with more knowledge of God and His ways than anyone else's. His knowledge of God's kingdom was greater than anyone's. He wrote what being a Christian is truly all about, what it requires of us. And he got all that knowledge because of what he suffered, what he gave up in human terms. But suffering is not talked about in today's churches, it is not “positive confession”, so people remain children, little babies, great disappointments to God. Hebrews 12:6 - For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He scourges every son whom He receives.”
Over the next few years at Dale's God began to give me some remodeling and repair business little by little. But it was always just enough, never anything extra that I could use to enjoy myself with. He continued to give me hope of good things to come, making it seem like they were coming immediately. But like always, He would pull the rug out from under me, bitterly disappointing me. I couldn't believe anyone, especially God, could be so cruel and heartless. Jer 20:7 - You deceived me, Lord, and I was deceived. But He treated Joseph, Moses and others just the same way, He would give them great hopes only to delay the promises for years and years.
But in June 2013 God actually did something really nice for me. I was in San Antonio meeting some friends who lived near Mission, TX, at their sons apartment in San Antonio. On the night before I had planned to go back to Plano, the wife of my friend mentioned something about her other son in California and God put it on my heart to look up my stepson O.J. who I hadn't seen since the divorce in January, 1981.
I was married in 1975 and divorced in 1981, when O.J. was 10 ½ years old. He was my son as far as he and I were concerned since he didn't have much of a relationship with his natural father. He called me “Daddy” and in my heart he was my son. We had a wonderful relationship and I couldn't have loved a natural son any more than I loved him. But after the divorce my wicked ex wouldn't let me see him or talk to him - step parents have no rights in Texas. She didn't care how much it hurt O.J., all she cared about was getting even with me. She told one of our friends to tell me that the next time I saw O.J. would be at my funeral. I had filed for divorce and moved out, but shortly afterward God let me know that I couldn't divorce her, it wasn't His will. I called my attorney and told him, he understood that I had to be obedient to God. I wouldn't move back in with her because she was physically violent, but I couldn't divorce her. But a couple of weeks later she hired an attorney and filed for divorce. I was obedient to God and He was setting me free. 1Cor &:15 - But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances.
A few months after the divorce the Lord promised me He would bring my beloved son back to me one day. As far as I knew he went to college in Madrid, Spain and stayed there, married and had two children. That night in San Antonio it was twenty-six years since I had seen him and for all I knew he was still in Madrid. When I looked for him on the computer that night I saw that he was now the Director of Education at the Guadalupe Cultural Arts Center in ….......................................San Antonio. You think this was a coincidence, that it just happened? Nope, it was God all the way. The next day I went by his office and needless to say he was surprised to see me, and very, very happy. We went to a little coffee shop down the block and talked for an hour, a very joyous hour. It was like we had never been apart. It was absolutely wonderful. But after I went back to Plano I called him and left messages for him, emailed messages but never heard back. He was forty-three years old and he was still scared of his mother finding out he had seen me. But God will bring him back to me for good in the near future, He promised me that. So once again, I have to rely on hope that God will fulfill His promises to me.........someday in the future. Prov 13:12 - Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
In February 2014 God told me to go on Sunday to Eagles Nest Cathedral, W.V. Grant, Jr.'s church. I couldn't understand why He wanted me to go to that charlatan's church. I had seen him once in 1985 and I knew what a farce he was then. But, it's not mine to understand, it's just my job to obey. So I went and wasn't at all impressed, which I knew was going to be the case. Then God told me to go seven times and He would heal me. What???? Why????? So I went seven times hoping God would heal my body which was deteriorating little by little, old age does that. But I didn't get healed, and seven years later my body has still not been healed, not of even one little thing. Prov 13:12 - Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
What I did see was that Grant most certainly had been given the gift of healing, that was not a fraud. Rom 11:29 - for God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable. God still let's him use that gift, although he uses it to bring attention to himself, and money for his bankroll. After the seventh time there I sent him a letter of rebuke which included on it this verse: Matt 7:21-23 - Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ Of course he was too arrogant to listen. The last I heard he still holds services in a dilapidated, very old building that needs major repairs in Dallas. But as it was when I went there in 2014, there are only less than 50 people in the services, most of them old and poor, hoping for a miracle if they will donate enough money to Grant. Each time I went there he told the people “God told me that 13 (the number changed in each service) people are going to give me $366.17 (the amount changed each time)” today'. Then he would take the offering.
On March 5, 2014 Dale, my roommate, was transported to the hospital because he couldn't get out of his chair. It took five EMTs to get him on the stretcher, but the hospital wouldn't admit him because they couldn't find anything wrong with him. So they brought him home. Three days later on March 8, the exact beginning of the seventh year from the date I moved in, he was taken back to the hospital. This time they kept him. He called me about three weeks later, he knew he was dying, and told me he was giving me the house, which was completely paid for. That was what my Kikuyu sister in Kenya had told me in 2009. So God finally fulfilled one of His promises. Praise the Lord for that miracle!! What a wonderful surprise!! Dale died a month later and the house was mine free and clear. Interestingly enough, God wakened me at 2:30 one morning while Dale was in the hospital and had me begin to pray for Dale. I was praying in the Spirit and had no idea why or what I was praying for him, but it was intense. At 5:00 that morning I knew I could stop praying for him. Thirty minutes later Dale's best friend called me and told me that Dale had died a few minutes before. The next day while I was reading through the Bible I came upon Jude 9 - But even the archangel Michael, when he was disputing with the devil about the body of Moses, did not himself dare to condemn him for slander but said, “The Lord rebuke you! “ I realized then that I was fighting with Satan for the body of Dale. It is very probable that Dale had a deathbed conversion and God had me praying for him because of that, or during that very time. We have to be obedient to God's leadings no matter how we feel about something or someone.
This you have to understand, it wasn't Dale who gave it to me, because after living there for awhile he didn't like me and I certainly didn't like him, I was very uncomfortable there. This was God who did this through Dale. Dale didn't work hard to earn the house, he inherited a lot of money when his father died, and he quit working and paid cash for the house out of that money. If it hadn't have been for his inheritance he would have been living in an old, dilapidated trailer in the country, with trash and junk pickups strewn all over the place. That's just the type of guy he was. It was absolute hell for me to have to live there for six years with him. I am a “Type A” person who is always looking for something to do, a new challenge, while all Dale wanted to do was sit, eat and watch the idiot box night and day. I was a nervous wreck never being able to relax for even a minute in that house. The idiot box was on twenty-four hours a day. If it hadn't have been for the mood-stabilizers I got from the VA I would have gone absolutely bonkers. I was happy that God had given me the house but I paid a heavy, heavy price for it - it wasn't free. Twice in twenty-one years He had me give up everything I had, and then had me live with Dale for six long, long, long years. The house wasn't a free gift. Over the next few years when I had the money to spend on it I completely remodeled the house, new flooring, new furniture, new landscaping, etc. It is now a nice house, a comfortable place to live, but it takes a woman to make a house a home - that's reality, I have a house.
In May, 2015 I was pulling into the parking lot of a fast food restaurant when a young kid driving through the lot, talking to his girlfriend who was seated next to him, slammed into the passenger side of my truck and did major damage. It was driveable but it looked really bad with the passenger door all smashed in. The kid was not insured and his parents didn't want to pay for the damages. I filed suit and we went to court and saw an arbitrator but they still would not agree to pay anything, so I let the lawsuit continue. For seven months I had to drive this wrecked truck everywhere I went. It was humiliating and I was quite angry at God for letting this happen. After all He had put me through for the previous thirty-three years He was doing this now. Don't you ever let up, God!!
In June I received a letter from some friends I met when I lived in Phoenix in early 1986, but hadn't seen since 1988 when I went back to Phoenix for a visit. They had sent the letter to my post office box I had put on my blog, but I had closed that box over a year before that. Normally the Post Office wouldn't forward a letter from an address that old, but they did this time because God wanted me to receive it. They had gotten my mailing address from my blog and just wanted to see what was going on. I called them up and we talked for awhile and I mentioned my accident to them and he said that he could fix it, but I didn't have the money to do it so we just left it at that. They were living in Holbrook, AZ at this time.
In December the mother of the kid who hit me sent me a letter telling me that they had gotten a Christmas loan (no, I still have no idea what that is) and were willing to settle for $5,000. I told them okay and they sent me a cashier's check. I went out looking for a good used truck but could find nothing even close to a vehicle I could use for my remodeling business. God put my friends in Arizona on my mind and I called them up. When I asked Myron how they were doing he said that they were almost out of money and food. I knew then that I needed to send them some money from the accident settlement and head over there to let him fix my truck so that he could earn some money to live on.
I arrived there three days later in Holbrook with two ice chests full of meat and other food, and met Myron and his wife at an old building that he was renting to own and wanted to fix up as a tire business. Then I followed them out forty miles into the desert where they lived in a mobile home without electricity, except for a small generator they ran once a week, no running water and a Port-a-potty outside. The mobile home was heated with a wood stove that they also boiled water on. They had a propane-operated small refrigerator (I didn't know such a thing even existed), a propane-operated stove, and several fifty-five gallon drums that they stored water in which they had to get from a public water supply about 30 miles away. He had a 200 gallon tank on the back of a wrecker truck he owned and they would use that to collect water every week or two, then empty the water into the drums. They had no garden to grow vegetables in and no livestock to use as food. All their food came from the grocery in town 40 miles away or from what friends in the area gave them. He had probably twenty wrecked vehicles around the place which he had plans to fix at some point in the next hundred years. Also on the property was a trailer from an eighteen-wheeler which was filled with tools and he used that as a workshop. Their nearest neighbor was about two miles away. I had to drive forty miles into town to take a shower at a truck stop. He worked on my truck at the place in town where he had to use generators to operate his electric and air-driven mechanics tools because the shop didn't have electricity, or running water, or a a bathroom.
Every morning he woke up, looked out the window of the trailer and began cursing “Those b#$^^*s are spraying again!!!” when he saw the contrails of the airplanes flying over. Since they lived under a major East-West flight path there were airplanes flying over all the time. He knew, yes he knew, that they were spraying chemicals over them to dumb down the people. It was all a big conspiracy by pick-your-villian-of-the-month. The plans to dumb people down seemed to be working well in Northern Arizona. At his place in town there was a line of empty rail cars behind his shop, it was a major rail artery going through there. These were cattle cars and he whispered to me out there in the middle of nowhere, in case any spies were listening, that the CIA had welded shackles on the inside of the cattle cars to take the unruly citizens to the FEMA death camps that Clinton had set up and where there were already millions of guillotines to behead those nasty people. He also told me that he knew the Russians were already here because in the grocery a few weeks before that he had seen some blond headed, well- built guys that were obviously Spetsnaz troops hiding in the desert. One day when we were at his shop there was an Army helicopter flying over town and he knew that they were watching him because they knew that he knew what was going on. I listened to this stuff for fourteen days before he finally finished my truck and I could go home. AARRGGHH!! Lord, what did I do to deserve all this!!! And the whole time I was there he never said one positive word. All he did was gripe, gripe, complain and complain. I was soooo glad to be headed home.
The main reason God sent me there, other than helping that couple, was to show me the kind of places of refuge where His people will be living when His judgment is being poured out en masse upon the USA. Those will be safe places where His people will gather and live for a while. He will provide what we need to exist on, no more than that. Those times are coming soon.
During most of the last thirty-nine years God made sure that I had no place to go on holidays, that I had to sit all alone during those times. He would not let anyone invite me over for Christmas dinner, Easter, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, etc., for most of those years. Only for a very few of those years did He let me spend them with families. He isolated me. I wouldn't that do kind of thing to my worst enemy, but that's what God forced upon me. Some years I used to volunteer with groups that fed the homeless on holidays. I remember driving from Tyler to Dallas several years on Christmas and other holidays helping to feed the homeless in downtown Dallas in below freezing weather. It was so cold that it was hard to crack eggs without the cold hurting my hands. But the people appreciated the meals that we fed them, they felt that someone cared for them. But most holidays I spent alone, sometimes in cheap, trashy motels. I didn't much care for God during those times, He was certainly not my favorite person. I thought of Him as a cruel, sadistic, hateful, sick being. There were many days I raged at Him, the pain He was causing in my heart was absolutely horrible. The hundreds of times He gave me hope, only to pull the rug from under me each and every time and pierce my heart. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick”, and He, and He alone, was responsible for the pain and sickness in my heart. It didn't matter what His reasoning and His purposes were, it still hurt like hell. I realized what Jeremiah felt like when he said Jer 20:7 - You deceived me, Lord, and I was deceived. Yes, Jeremiah was correct, God did deceive him. Although it's hard to comprehend, it is true. He deceived me many, many times with the hope He gave me, only to find out that they weren't going to be fulfilled until some distant time in the future, if even then. Isa 55:8-9 - “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
My blog brought to me people who needed someone to help them in different ways. Sometimes it was to confirm to them that their thoughts about what they felt God was going to do to this evil nation were correct. Other times it was to show them that God was not going to have mercy on this nation much longer. A couple of times I revealed to people that God was calling them to be prophets. But others were going through difficult times and needed someone to talk to, someone who would listen and care, have compassion for them. I was a bridge over troubled waters for quite a few of God's children. But after they were on solid ground and didn't need me anymore, God took them away from me. That hurt very, very badly many times, and those wounds are still very deep in my heart.
But He has brought me a few friends who are still with me, Neil is one of those. My spiritual sister Anne is another one. She and I became close as I was getting to know and work with her husband on LSU Alumni projects, and he was a realtor I was getting work through. I became very close with them over a period of several years and got to know their son and daughter as well. When her daughter was pregnant with her first child God told me that he would be a prophet of the Lord and have a John the Baptist ministry – and he most certainly will. For a few years I had a family I was part of, spending holidays with them, invited to all their parties, having them over to my house, etc. It was a wonderful time. I even anointed their son in his late twenties as an apostle. But after six years Anne's husband got angry with me for something that he caused, he was completely in the wrong but had too much pride to admit it, and he cut me out of his life. Anne and I are still close and I love her as a sister. We still talk on a regular basis, but I can't join their family on get-togethers anymore. Yes, it hurts. But that's the way that God has done these things for the last thirty-nine years, time after time after time after time.
In 1986 I lived in Phoenix for a few months and met a guy who invited me to the a Christian business men's luncheon the next day. His name was Lee and he and I hadn't talked but for about twenty minutes that day, and it wasn't but a very little about me. At lunch the next day Lee introduced me to the group as “Our brother Cliff Hilbert, the most rejected member of the Body of Christ”. Lee had no idea what he was saying, it was the Holy Spirit speaking through him. But he was correct, that is who I am, and the rejections that I've written about in this book are just a tiny particle of what I've experienced. Do I want pity for that? No, I just hope that people will understand where the pain in my heart comes from, and understand that my thoughts and feelings toward God are a result of those wounds. Does God have a reason for wounding me so horribly? Yes, so that I can have compassion for others who have been badly wounded, people who most will reject and walk away from just like they did me. But I can't say that I'll have compassion for them because of the compassion God has shown me, because He HAS NOT shown me any compassion, any tenderness, any gentle care. I've had to walk all through this without that, and I've had to walk it all alone. Because I've walked through it all alone I know very intimately the pain and will be more sensitive to others in pain. You might think “Praise the Lord because he will be able to minister to many others”. Yeah, that sounds so nice, unless you're the one going through what I've been through. So when He said on New Year's Eve, 1982 that I would be a tower of strength for Him, this is the way He has used to get me to that point. His ways are certainly not my ways. His ways cause great and horrible pain.
My friend and brother-in-Christ, Lance in San Francisco, is another one who has stood by me these last thirteen years since I started writing my blog. His encouragement is what is keeping me writing this book. He sees how wicked this nation is, living in one of the worst spiritual states in this corrupt nation. He sees the evil every day because of the legal field he works in, and it torments his soul. His and his wife's prayers have helped me tremendously, given me the strength to keep going.
But most of the time in the past thirty-nine years God would send people to me for a period of time and then harden their hearts and take them away from me. Or they would reject me for unbelievable reasons which made no sense whatsoever. People rejected Jesus for no reason whatsoever. Or God would take them away from me and send them or me to another city or state, and I would have no way to contact them. They were all of a sudden gone from my life and it left a holes in my heart. I didn't blame those people most of the time because I knew that it was God who was doing it, He was keeping me isolated and in pain.
One of the few blessings He allowed in my life has been my spiritual family from Kenya – my daughter Esther, her husband Mwangi, their daughter Wongoi and son Muturi. I met them through my Kikuyu sister Virginia, Esther's aunt, in 2010 when I was fixing up their house so they could sell it because they were moving back to Kenya. I didn't know them for long but when they left here it was almost like I was losing my daughter and grandchildren, a love that God had put in my heart for them. But in 2016 they moved back here and it was so wonderful to see them. Wongoi (Kui) and Muturi had grown up into great teenagers, they had matured tremendously. Kui was not a little girl anymore, she was a beautiful young woman, and Muturi was a handsome young man. They are both prime examples of what teenagers should be like.
Esther is like a daughter to me, and I remember her telling me that I am like the father she never had. She is the sweetest, most humble and caring person, a real sweetheart whom I dearly love. When I was in the hospital for five days she came to see me the first night I was there and a couple more times while I was there. I remember introducing her to my doctor as Esther,my daughter from Kenya – it was a perfectly natural thing to do. She looks after me like a daughter would her father. Kui is now a Junior at Texas Tech, having been on the President's List three times and the Dean's List for the fourth semester. She is highly intelligent, gentle, kind and loving. Muturi is now a freshman at University of Texas and a fine, intelligent and strong young man. One night when I had their family over to my house for dinner, I was in the kitchen and God told me to get a bottle of oil and anoint Muturi as a prophet. So I went over to him and put oil on his forehead and said “You will be called a prophet of the Lord Most High!” I was amazed because I had no indication of that beforehand. Interestingly enough, God has kept me mostly apart from him since that time because He doesn't want me to be an influence on him since he has his own prophetic role to play in the future, not necessarily like mine. They are my grandchildren and I love them dearly.
Many years ago I had a dream where I saw the foundation of a house laid and trenches cut in the concrete for the plumbing. Then I saw the plumbing, white PVC pipes, assembled and hovering in the air above the foundation. There were people all around and there was great anger. Then the piping was put in the foundation and the anger was gone. Then I saw a couple come up to me with a black labrador puppy, and said “Have a puppy”. I told them “I can't have a dog the way God moves me around”, but I knew I was supposed to take the puppy. Then I saw an elderly gray-haired woman and she said to me “Come stay with us for awhile”. I had no idea what it meant, even though I tried to figure it out many times.
About three years ago the City of Plano was installing new water lines in my neighborhood and the streets were all torn up. The huge, noisy machines were going up and down the streets for what seemed like months. Dirt, large chunks of concrete, mud and trash were everywhere. It seemed like we would never have peace and quiet around here. Then one day it was all finished, the new waterlines were in, the trash was gone, the dirt was gone, the machines were gone, the workers were gone, the noise was gone – it was peaceful and quiet. That very day I felt a small degree of peace about me and the great anger I had towards God was gone. He did it, He removed it, He didn't require me to do anything beforehand or afterwards, He just did it when He was ready to do it. After all these years of tearing up my life He was finally starting to put things back together – but little by little by little by little. Religious people judged and condemned me because I was angry at God. But God didn't care, all He cared about was that I obey Him along the way and let Him do His work in me. Let that be a lesson to those of you who would try to judge and condemn your brothers and sisters because of their feelings towards God. Instead of looking for the speck in your brothers eyes, maybe you should look at the logs in your own eyes, the coldness of your hearts. Maybe you should try to help soothe people's pain instead of causing them more. What hypocrites you are! Rev 3:15-16 - “I wish that you were either hot or cold. But because you are neither hot or cold, but lukewarm, I will spit you out of my mouth.”
Then in March of last year one day God set me free of the bitterness that was in my heart for so many years. I just woke up and knew it was gone. I didn't do anything to cause God to remove it from me, He did it because he knew He was the one who caused it by the absolute hell He has put me through for so, so many years. It didn't matter to Him that He was the target of most of that bitterness because He was the one who caused it by continually wounding me, by sticking His knife in my heart thousands of times until my heart was like raw hamburger meat.
Oh, you don't believe that God is the one who does these things? Then you've never read the Bible. Job 42:11 - All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the Lord had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring. Who does that verse say brought all the trouble upon Job? Oh, you still think that Job had caused all this to come upon him? Job 1:8 - Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.” Do you think that God could say that you are blameless and upright, that there's no one on earth like you? Why do you always try to find the speck in your brother's eye when you have those huge logs in you own eyes and you do nothing about them?
In March of 2019 I came down with a low grade fever which lasted nine weeks. I spent five days in the hospital and they couldn't figure out what was causing it. But God showed me. A friend in Massachusetts called me and said she read that psychogenic fever, which is caused by stress can cause fever like that, and she knew that I had been under tremendous stress for many years because of the walk God had put me on. The very same day my friend Neil and I were talking and he said that this could be caused by stress, he knew some of the horrible stress I had been under for far too many years. So, that was the answer the doctors couldn't figure out, it was psychogenic fever caused by the horrible stress that God had put upon me.
On May 12, 2019 I was sitting in my easy chair and God said “You're retired”. What!!! I'm not ready to retire!! I was certainly tired of working with my hands for the past thirty-nine years while on this horrid walk, but I definitely was not ready to retire at seventy-three years of age. I expect to work into my mid to late eighties. I love challenges. I love learning new things. I love using my brain, but that wasn't taxed much in the past thirty-nine years. Yes, owning a remodeling business was a responsibility, but it wasn't much of a challenge to me. But retiring is what I had to do at that point, although I think of it as a sabbatical. In the two months after that I have received only three calls for small jobs, which I had to turn down - God had shut the doors to that business. Yes, I certainly needed a rest after what He put me through, I was exhausted and on the extreme edge of a nervous breakdown, even though I didn't know it. But after a few weeks I realized how close to a breakdown I was.
But I was not ready to quit working and sit around and do nothing, that drives me crazy. I had a couple of small projects to do around the house, took up the hobby of putting Ugears wooden models together, had time read a lot of novels- but eventually that all ran out and I was very, very bored. Retiring all of a sudden for someone like myself is not a fun thing to do. It caused me a lot of stress, the very thing that I didn't need more of. But that's the way God does things in my life. No, I don't like it at all. During these thirty-nine years in the wilderness virtually no one knew that I was putting on an act that I liked the work that I was doing. It would have done no one any good to know how unhappy I have been during those years. So I simply acted like everything was fine, like I was happy. I turned out to be a very, very good actor. It probably was what kept me sane during those trying years. Strength? You'd better believe it!
Back in 2014 when God gave me this house a couple of my friends suggested that I get a reverse mortgage to give me enough to live on, coupled with Social Security which I was already receiving. But I didn't feel comfortable with that, I felt that was not what God wanted me to do. I knew I was supposed to trust Him to provide enough work to keep me going. So that's what I did. He did provide work for me and I made enough to live on and and remodel the house little by little. But there was certainly not enough to take a vacation anywhere, much less take a much needed break. Nope, God certainly did not do that, which didn't surprise me at all. Paul was a bondslave of Christ Jesus, and so am I. A slave doesn't have free will, he does what his master tells him to do regardless of how difficult it might be. Back in 1983 I was given this verse Ps 91:11 - For He will give His angels orders concerning you, to guard you in all your ways. Sounds good doesn't it? But in my case I felt like the angels were guarding me like a prisoner in a dungeon, making sure I had no freedom, nor were they allowing any love, joy or happiness to come my way for most of this walk.
But several weeks before He had me retire, He nudged me to look into a reverse mortgage. So I did and a few weeks later was when He told me to retire. Thus I would have money to live on until I went back to work. I was able to buy a 2017 Toyota Highlander Limited, a vehicle I had been wanting for over fifteen years, paying cash for it. A few days later on the Sunday after I bought it I took my truck, which I hadn't made a payment on in fourteen years, and dropped it off at the local branch of the bank I had bought it from, it was now theirs. Now, since I had paid cash for my new car, I didn't have to ever worry about it being repossessed. One less thing to be concerned about.
I also was able to take a few short days of vacation. I bought a Canon DSLR camera to replace my favorite SLR camera that had been stolen in a robbery when I lived in Tyler in 1998. Landscape and wildlife photography used to be a hobby of mine that I really enjoyed. Some of the pictures I took over the years were what I had enlarged and framed and had decorated my home and office with. Of course, all those pictures were lost when I had to give up everything I owned in 1984 and 2005. Now that had a good camera I went on several short trips and took a bunch of pictures, several of which turned out nice and I had them enlarged and framed and they now decorate my house. There will be more to come in the future.
However, last October I had just returned from three days of driving around the mountains of Colorado and the very night after I got home satan himself tried to get me to pick up a gun I had bought a few weeks before and kill myself. Yes, it was that serious an attack. It didn't come when I was down or hurting, it came when I was on a high after being in the mountains. It was definitely a satanic attack. But I got through it and the next day put my pistol in my safety deposit box at the bank so it couldn't happen again. I won't take it out until this terrible walk is over and restoration and happiness come.
A few weeks later I went to Beavers Bend State Park in Oklahoma for three days. I got a little cabin in the park and planned on spending two nights there in the peace and quiet of the park, waking up in the morning and seeing deer right outside the cabin. There was no cellphone reception in the cabin and no tv there, it should have been very peaceful and relaxing. I drove around the park for a few hours after getting there, taking a few pictures. I went to a restaurant in the park and had a margarita with dinner. I got back to the cabin and was there for only a few minutes when I was suddenly very disturbed in my spirit. I was scared of something, but didn't know what it was. It was quiet, no noise, no one anywhere around, something that should have been wonderful, but it wasn't, it was frightening. I was glad that I hadn't brought a gun with me because it would have been a hard battle not to use it on myself. I knew that I couldn't stay there that night. So I went to town and got a motel room where there were people around and I could have a tv and use my cellphone - I made it through that night. The next day I drove around the park for a few hours and then drove home. It was extremely upsetting. It was a demonic attack.
A couple of months after that I drove to Northern Arkansas to spend a few days driving around and taking pictures. But that night at the motel another demonic spirit came upon me and I didn't know what was happening, it was traumatic. I called up my buddy Neil and we talked for a few minutes. The Holy Spirit gave him some insight and he told me it was a spirit of loneliness that was attacking me. He was correct and I knew that I had to drive back home the next day. I've never been uncomfortable being alone, I usually find it very relaxing, so this was something entirely new to me, but very disturbing and frightening. Then I called up Lance in San Francisco and told him what I was going through and asked him and his wife to keep me in their prayers. Lance and his wife are some of God's foremost prayer warriors and their prayers reach the ears of God. Few here will ever know of him and his wife, but the heavens shake when they pray. God sometimes wakes them up in the middle of the night to pray. Since they prayed for me I have had no more attacks. But I've begun to feel the loneliness, an emptiness in my heart, a very strange thing for me. And it's not very pleasant.
Sometime late in 2020 I decided to go see if I could find Rodney and remembered that he had told me that he used to go to the 24/7 Club from time to time. I had no idea what the 24/7 Club was or where it was. I found it on the internet and saw that it was in the inner-city area of Dallas. I went down there looking for him, but no one knew him. You have to realize that it had been almost fifteen years since I had seen him. But when I was leaving the 24/7 Club that day I knew that I would be back there volunteering in the future. Earlier this year I went there and talked to them about volunteering, but they were closed to the public because of the Covid-19 virus. I was told to come back in two weeks when they would be open, and so I did. They needed someone to help them organize their clothes closet, so I became Clothes Closet Cliff. They are a shelter for men and women who have gotten off of alcohol and drugs and who want to stay clean, to start a new life. They have a lot of clothes donated to them for the residents and it takes several hours, several days a week, to keep up with it all - so that became my task.
When I was in the closet taking care of the clothes I could hear and see a lot of what goes on there and got to know a number of the staff and residents. What I saw there was a completely different operation than any of the other places that I'd been involved with in the past. The staff there had all been through the program at the 24/7 Club themselves, they had been addicts and alcoholics, and had great compassion for the people who were coming there to straighten their lives out because they themselves knew very personally what it was like. They truly cared! They had true compassion! I had never seen this at any of the other shelters or ministries. The leadership really cared and it was so very obvious. I was elated at what I saw! I saw several people who lives had completely turned around. It was a wonderful thing to see! They have a great record of helping many people to turn their lives around. While there I actually came out of the closet. That's right I came out! They needed someone to sit at the front desk and help visitors when they came in the front door, so I came out of the closet to the front desk, lol. I was there for three months when I got a call one morning telling me that they had a couple of people who were covid-positive and that I shouldn't come in until they let me know it was okay. If you want to donate to them here is there email addy: https://www.betterunite.com/dallas24hourclub-donatetodallas24hourclub
After a few days I knew that I wouldn't be back there, I was supposed to write a book. I was supposed to come out of the emotionally painful closet that I have been in for so many years and share my thoughts and feelings, my pain, my struggles, my battles with others. Why? Because there are so many out there who the Lord is bringing through great and painful trials, people who don't understand why God is putting them through so much suffering. And there is no one who understands, no one who cares. This is to let them know that they are not alone, they haven't earned God's wrath, He's not angry with them. He is raising them up for significant responsibilities in the future. He is preparing me to run a substantial homeless ministry in the future.
I don't know whether God will have me publish this in book form, but if anyone is interested in doing that then please contact me.